Show Me Some Way To Help You
by JennJ
Summary: Buffy realizes that she can't help Spike so she sends him to the one person who might be able to. Crossover with Angel, possible B/S, but mainly A/S relatioship
1. Default Chapter

I'm not stopping work on 'If I Can't Love Her'. That story is far from over but I thought that I'd try writing this one too.  
  
This takes place after Selfless. Buffy wants Spike to snap out of it so she sends him to the one person who might be able to help him.  
  
Prologue:  
  
"Why do you want to help him?" Xander asked. "After what he did to you? He deserves everything that's happened to him."  
  
Xander, Willow, Dawn and Buffy were sitting the Summer's living room. Buffy had told them that she wanted to help Spike, that the thought of him sitting in that basement was pathetic, even for him.  
  
"Well we can't just leave him there," Buffy said. "So what should we do with him? If we leave him alone he'll just sit down there, trying to claw his heart out and hugging crosses."  
  
"Hugging crosses?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Yeah," Buffy said. "And everytime I see him he's worse."  
  
"So what do you want to do?" Willow asked. She was probably the most sympathetic to Spike. She knew what it was like to be out of control and having regrets over what had happened during that time.  
  
"I can't help him," Buffy said. "He's beyond anything I can do for him."  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Xander asked, hoping that involved a stake.  
  
"I'm going to send him to the only person who can help him," Buffy said. "Angel."  
  
There was a shocked silence. Xander was the first to regain his voice, "Uh Buffy, have you forgotten that those two hate each other? Not that I'm complaining but the only thing Angel's going to do to help Spike involves a stake and the afterlife."  
  
Buffy held up a piece of paper, "I wrote Angel a letter explaining what's happened to Spike and asking him for help. I'll send it along with Spike."  
  
"Wait," Dawn said. "You're not taking him there yourself?"  
  
"I can't," Buffy said. "I have work and other responsibilities here. I can't pick up and leave for L.A." She looked around, "And all of you have lives and jobs here. Spike found his way here from Africa. It shouldn't be too much trouble for him to get to L.A."  
  
"So when are you going to do this?" Willow asked.  
  
"Right away," Buffy said. "I'm going to see him tonight and if he's in one of his saner moments than I'll send him to L.A. tonight. I think that if we wait too much longer he's going to be completely insane." Xander made a noise. Buffy glared at him and said, "We have to do something unless we want an insane vampire running around."  
  
"He's still chipped," Xander pointed out.  
  
"It doesn't matter," Willow said. "The chip still hurts him but he doesn't care. I think he almost welcomes it."  
  
Buffy nodded, "That's why we have to snap him out of it, before he does something to make this whole situation worse." She stood up and left the house.  
  
Buffy made her way down the basement of the school where Spike was hiding out. She found him sitting on the floor, in the same condition she usually found him.  
  
"Spike," Buffy said, kneeling down next to him.  
  
"What you doin' here?" Spike said. "And where's your pass?"  
  
"Spike, snap out of it," Buffy ordered. "Can you manage to be sane for a few hours?"  
  
"Why?" Spike asked.  
  
"Spike," Buffy said. "You need help."  
  
"No," Spike said, reverting to a childlike state. "No want help."  
  
"Spike," Buffy said, trying again. "I can't help you but there's someone out there who can, someone who knows what you're going through."  
  
"No," Spike said. "No one knows."  
  
"Yes," Buffy said. "There is someone out there who knows exactly what you're going through and I'm going to send you to him." Spike continued to stare blankly ahead, lost in his own world. "Spike, I want you to go to L.A. and see Angel." Spike didn't respond to that either so Buffy tried another idea, "Spike, if you to L.A. and see Angel, maybe he'll be mad enough at you to torture you a little before he helps you."  
  
Spike's eyes lit up briefly, "Really, you're not just saying that?"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike's twisted logic but said, "Yes, I'm sure that the first thing he'll want to do when he sees you is to torture you." She reached into her pocket and pulled out the letter she had written to Angel. "Just give Angel this when you see him." Spike looked at it confused, "It's your pass," Buffy explained.  
  
Spike took the letter, stood up and walked out without another word, leaving Buffy behind him. Buffy watched him leave and sighed. She'd done all that she could. The rest was up to Angel. Maybe Angel would be able to help Spike to deal with his new soul. But as Buffy looked back to the spot where Spike had been spending most of his time, the thought occurred to her that Spike might be too far gone, beyond anyone's help.  
  
She stood up and left the school. She had just enough time to do a quick patrol before going home. 


	2. The Games We've Played 'Till Now Are At ...

Chapter One: The Games We've Played 'Till Now Are At An End  
  
"When did Angel say he'd be back?" Fred asked, looking up from her computer. Angel was out and had left her and Charles in charge of the office.  
  
"He didn't say," Gunn said. "Just said he had some things to do." He moved up behind her and began to kiss her neck. "And that means we have the place to ourselves."  
  
"Charles," Fred protested. "What if someone comes in?"  
  
"No one's been in all night," Gunn told her. "So why don't we take advantage of it?" Finally Fred nodded and returned his kiss.  
  
Suddenly they broke apart at the sound of the door opening. They looked up and saw a lithe figure dressed in black come through the door. He walked limply to the desk and stared at them.  
  
Gunn eyed him, "Uh can we help you?"  
  
"No," Spike said. "No one can help me."  
  
"Why don't you sit down?" Fred asked.  
  
Spike looked around, wondering what she meant. Finally he walked over and sat down in the middle of the floor.  
  
Fred and Gunn walked over to him, "Why are you here?" Fred asked, trying again to get some kind of answer from Spike.  
  
"You know," Spike said, looking up at them, "I've been trying to figure out that same thing. Should have been dead long time ago but no, I had to have immortality. And for what? WHAT?" He shouted. "So that I can live like this?"  
  
Gunn pulled Fred away from Spike, "Who is this guy?"  
  
"I don't know," Fred said. "But I don't think he's human."  
  
"Vampire?" Gunn suggested. "If he is then why is he here? Doesn't he know what this place is?" He nudged Spike with his foot. "Hey, what are you doing here?"  
  
Spike looked up. Fred noticed his eyes were clearer than they'd been a moment ago. "Angel."  
  
"You know Angel?" Fred asked.  
  
"Sure I know Peaches," Spike said, lapsing back into madness. "Known him for a hundred years, my bloody Yoda he was."  
  
"Okay," Gunn said quietly to Fred. "Two things, this guys isn't human and he's crazy."  
  
"Yeah," Fred agreed. "But he seems to know Angel."  
  
"Yeah," Gunn agreed. "But how? If he's someone from Angel's past then we're probably in for some trouble."  
  
"I don't think he's going to hurt us," Fred said. "If he wanted to he would have already."  
  
Gunn grabbed the phone, "I'm calling Angel and getting him back here, find out who this guy is." He dialed Angel's cell phone and listened to it ring, "Come on Angel, pick up."  
  
Across town Angel stared at his ringing phone in annoyance.  
  
"Aren't you going to answer that?" Cordelia asked. Angel had stopped by to see how she was doing. Connor had been out and Angel and Cordelia had started talking.  
  
Angel looked at Cordelia, nodded and answered his phone, "Hello?"  
  
"Angel," Gunn said. "I think you should get back here."  
  
"Why?" Angel asked. "What's wrong?"  
  
"There's some crazy guy here looking for you." Gunn glanced over at Spike. Spike was now staring off into space and muttering to himself.  
  
"Do you know who it is?" Angel asked, annoyed at being called away from Cordelia.  
  
"No," Gunn said. "But he knows you. So you gonna be back soon?"  
  
"Can't it wait?" Angel asked.  
  
"No," Gunn said. "There's a crazy English vampire sitting on the floor right now and he wants to see you."  
  
Angel froze, "Did you say English?"  
  
"Yeah," Gunn said. "And he had all these weird names for you, something about Peaches and Yoda."  
  
Angel swore quietly. Cordelia looked at him in surprise. Angel ignored her and said, "Don't let him out of your sight. I'll be right there." He hung up the phone and stood up.  
  
"What's wrong?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"I need to get back," Angel said.  
  
"I'll come with you," Cordelia said.  
  
"No," Angel said.  
  
"Why not?" Cordelia asked. "If it's about danger, I've already faced it before and I know how to defend myself." She grabbed an ax, "So who are we after?"  
  
Angel started walking towards his car, Cordelia following him. Angel turned around and grabbed her shoulders, "You're staying here."  
  
"Why?" Cordelia persisted.  
  
"Because," Angel said. "If it's who I think it is than I don't want you anywhere near him."  
  
"I'll be fine," Cordelia said. She jumped into the car. "Let's go."  
  
Angel got in too. He didn't have time to argue with her. If it was Spike back at the hotel then he had to get back before Spike hurt someone. The last time Spike had come to L.A. it hadn't gone well and Angel wasn't going to let anything happen to Fred, Gunn or Cordelia because of his centuries long feud with Spike.  
  
"Do you normally drive this fast?" Cordelia asked, grabbing onto the door as Angel drove as fast as he could towards the hotel.  
  
Angel didn't answer. He just pulled up in front of the hotel and ran inside. He hurried down the steps, stopped and looked around. Fred and Gunn were standing in the middle of the lobby. There was no sign of Spike anywhere. "Where is he?" Angel asked.  
  
"Over there," Fred gestured to a dark corner. "He crawled over there right after we called you and he won't come out."  
  
"What?" Angel asked. "He didn't try to hurt you or anything?"  
  
"No," Gunn said. "It was weird. He came in here, sat down and started muttering to himself. Only thing that made sense was that he wanted to see you."  
  
Angel looked over the where Spike was. Spike was sitting in the corner, his knees pulled up to his chest, his eyes were closed and he was muttering to himself. Angel carefully walked over to Spike. He knelt down next to him, "Spike, what are you doing here?"  
  
Spike opened his eyes and looked at Angel, "Angel?"  
  
"Spike, what's going on?" Angel asked. Something wasn't right here. This wasn't Spike. The Spike he knew, had created and despised was a fighter, never one to sit still. This Spike was behaving more like Drusilla in her least sane moments.  
  
Suddenly Spike jumped to his feet, startling everyone. He started pacing around the room. Angel noticed, absently, that he wasn't wearing his precious duster. Spike stopped pacing and looked at Angel. Spike's face had changed from vacant insanity to angry insanity.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?!" Spike yelled at Angel. Fred jumped and moved slightly behind Gunn. Angel didn't move. Spike got right in Angel's face and yelled again, "Why didn't you bloody tell me?" Angel didn't flinch. Spike let out a cry of disgust and resumed walked around the lobby, muttering to himself. He kept this up for a while before he started yelling at Angel again. "You taught me everything! From the moment I clawed my way out of that coffin! You taught me how to fight, feed, everything, even about the Slayer.." Spike let out a sound that was half laugh half cry and fell on his knees. "I didn't mean to, I swear, she did this to me, you know how she is."  
  
Gunn looked at Angel, "So how do you know this guy?"  
  
Angel looked at Spike. Spike was still kneeling on the floor, his face buried in his hands. He was quiet for now.  
  
"His name is Spike," Angel said.  
  
"Is he family?" Gunn asked.  
  
Angel nodded, "Drusilla's his sire."  
  
"That crazy?" Gunn said, surprised.  
  
"Who's Drusilla?" Fred asked, trying to follow.  
  
Spike's head popped up at Drusilla's name, "That stupid, bloody bitch, this is her fault too! If she hadn't left me then I never would have.." His voice trailed off, he grabbed his head and started chanting, "Shut up!" hysterically.  
  
Cordelia picked that moment to walk into the hotel. She saw Spike, lost in his own madness and said, "I thought we were after someone dangerous."  
  
"He is," Angel said. "When he's in his right mind."  
  
"So why's he acting crazy?" Fred asked.  
  
"I don't know," Angel said.  
  
"Maybe it's a vamp thing," Gunn suggested. "His sire was crazy, maybe it gets passed down."  
  
"No," Angel said. "Dru was already crazy when I turned her." He studied Spike. What could have happened to make Spike lose his mind? Nothing Spike said made any sense. Then a thought occurred to him. He walked over to Spike and pulled him to his feet. "Okay Spike, game's over. You're not fooling anyone. So what are you doing here and don't lie to me."  
  
"She made me come," Spike said. "She told me to come, that you'd help."  
  
"Who?" Angel asked, still trying to make sense of Spike's ramblings. "Drusilla?'  
  
"Where?" Spike asked, looking around for a place to hide. "Where is she? She can't see me like this. She'll know right away what's happened."  
  
Angel made an annoyed sound, "Spike, stop it. No one's buying it. So drop the Drusilla act and tell me what's going on."  
  
"Here," Spike said, looking around in his pockets. "She sent a pass, to explain." He kept looking for the note Buffy had sent but he couldn't find it. "Where is it? Where the bloody hell did it go?"  
  
Angel looked at Fred, "Go get Lorne. He might be able to find out what's going on." Fred nodded and ran up the stairs.  
  
Gunn looked at Spike, who was still searching for his pass, "You think he's faking?"  
  
"He might be. He and Drusilla were together for over a hundred years. He had to have learned a few things from her but something else might be going on too. This isn't Spike's way. He prefers a good brawl to sneaking around. If he was after me he'd just come out and attack."  
  
"So either he's getting a lot smarter or he's really crazy," Cordelia said.  
  
Angel nodded, "We just have to figure out which one it is." 


	3. And Left Me In This State

Chapter Two: And Left Me In This State  
  
"So what did you heroes need?" Lorne asked, coming down the stairs, followed by Fred.  
  
Angel gestured to Spike, "We need to find out if he's lying or not. And if he's not lying what made him go crazy."  
  
"Who is this guy?" Lorne asked, looking at Spike. Spike was now sitting on the floor, talking to himself.  
  
"His name's Spike," Angel said.  
  
"Spike," Lorne said, slowly. "That name sounds familiar."  
  
"He used to be called William the Bloody," Angel explained.  
  
Lorne nodded, "Okay, I've heard of him. Some of the vampire who use to come in to Caritas talked about him."  
  
"What did they?" Angel asked.  
  
Lorne look uncomfortable, "You sure you want to know?"  
  
"Yes," Angel said. "Anything that will tell us what's going on with him." Spike was still sitting on the floor but he'd stopped talking to himself. Now he was just staring blankly off into space.  
  
"The vamps said that this Spike guy was the biggest vampire sell-out since," Lorne glanced at Angel. "Well you."  
  
Angel nodded. He knew his reputation among the vampires but Spike's didn't make sense. Spike took pride in his fierce reputation. How could he have been considered a traitor? "Did they say why Spike sold out?"  
  
"No details," Lorne said. "Just that he's an embarrassment."  
  
"Doesn't sound like Spike," Angel said. He walked over to Spike and pulled him to his feet. "Spike," Spike didn't respond. "Spike, do you hear me?"  
  
Spike looked at Angel, "I always heard you. Heard everything you taught me. But why didn't you teach me about the important stuff?"  
  
"Spike," Angel said, ignoring Spike's ramblings. None of what he was saying made any sense. "We can help you but first you have to sing."  
  
"You can't help me!" Spike shouted. "Don't you get that." He made a disgusted sound, "I've become you! All I need is the hair do and I'm you!"  
  
"Spike, just sing something," Angel said. Spike tested his patience at the best of times and right now his ramblings were definitely trying his patience and his willingness to help Spike.  
  
Spike turned away from Angel, opened his mouth to sing but something distracted him. He walked over to the doorway and stared at the person standing there.  
  
"Connor," Angel said, startled by his son's appearance.  
  
Connor ignored Angel and looked at Cordelia, "You weren't at home so I thought you might be here, with him." He looked at Spike, who was looking him up and down, in annoyance. "Who's he?"  
  
"Who are you?" Spike asked. He moved closer to Connor, not taking his eyes off of him. "You look and smell like them but you're not. You're human too so how can you be part of them?"  
  
"What's he talking about?" Connor asked Angel.  
  
"I think he senses me and your moth.Darla," Angel said. Both he and Connor looked uncomfortable. They'd never talked about Darla.  
  
"Who are you?" Spike repeated. "You're human but you're them."  
  
"I don't know who I am," Connor said. "But I know what you are and you're going to die." He lunged at Spike with a stake, intent on dusting him. Spike stepped back and spread his arms, giving Connor easy access. Angel wasn't letting them get their way. He grabbed Spike and pulled him out of the way.  
  
"Enough," Angel said. "No one's dying."  
  
"He's a demon, a vampire, he deserves to die."  
  
"He's right," Spike said, pulling away from Angel. "I should die." Spike looked at Angel, "You'll kill me too, when you find out what I did."  
  
"What happened?" Angel asked. Spike kept referring to something that he'd done. What could Spike have done that would have driven him insane?  
  
Spike ignored Angel's question and kept rambling, "I didn't want this! If I had I would have gone to the witch. I wanted to be what I was, not what she'd made me. I didn't go through all that for this! All I wanted to do was rest in peace. I sang that to her once, wanted her to leave me alone but she wouldn't! How did you get rid of her?" Spike once again fell to the floor, "How did you get her to forgive you? You tortured her, tried to kill her, killed people she cared about, but she still loved you. How did you do it?"  
  
"Who's he talking about?" Gunn asked.  
  
"No idea," Angel said. "I don't know who he's talking about."  
  
"What?" Connor said, mockingly. "You torture so many women that you can't remember them all?"  
  
Angel looked at Connor, "I remember every single person that I've ever hurt, every scream and every plea." Angel thought about what Spike had said. Could he be talking about Drusilla? That didn't make any sense, Spike would never tell Drusilla to leave him alone but who else could it be.  
  
"Really," Connor said, breaking into Angel's thoughts. "Then you must remember who he's talking about."  
  
"I think I do," Angel said. "Lorne, can you find out for sure?"  
  
Lorne nodded and looked down at Spike, "If you can just get him to sing."  
  
"Spike," Angel said, trying a new tact. "She wants you to sing." Spike's face perked up a little and Angel noticed that, "If you sing than maybe I can help you find a way to get her forgiveness."  
  
"All I have to do is sing?" Spike asked.  
  
"That's right," Angel said.  
  
Spike nodded. If this was what it took then he'd sing. He thought for a minute and settled on a song he'd heard while hiding out in a theater on his way back from Africa:  
  
"No pain could be deeper, no life could be cheaper, No point anymore if she can't love me, No hope she would do so, no dream to pursue so I look to myself, despise all the things I see, For I know that she can not set me free, Let the world be done with me."*  
  
Spike finished singing and sank back down to the floor, humming the melody he'd been singing.  
  
"Well?" Angel asked. "Is he faking or is he really crazy?"  
  
"Oh he's crazy all right," Lorne said. "Guilt does that to a person."  
  
""Guilt?" Angel asked. "No, that's not possible. Spike's never felt guilty a day in his life."  
  
"Then he must be making up for it," Lorne says. "You should know. How did you feel when you got yours back?'  
  
"When I got what back?" Angel asked.  
  
"Your soul." Lorne explained.  
  
"Sure I felt guilty," Angel said. "But does that have to do with Spike?"  
  
"Because you are no longer the only vampire with a soul," Lorne said. "Your pal Spike here, has one of his very own."  
  
"What?" Angel asked, stunned. He looked at Spike, "Is this true? Did you get your soul back?"  
  
Spike's face crumpled, "I didn't want it back. I was supposed to turn back into what I was, into what you made me. Now I'm you, all because you didn't warn me!"  
  
"Spike," Angel said, putting his hand on Spike's shoulder.  
  
"Leave me alone!" Spike ordered. "All of you!" He pulled away from Angel and shouted, "I never wanted to come here! She sent me!" He turned and ran out the door, leaving a stunned Angel and crew behind him.  
  
*I do not own this song. All rights belong to Disney. I just love the song. Don't sue me! I have nothing you would want. 


	4. Lost And Alone In The Night

Chapter Three: Lost And Alone In The Night  
  
Gunn was the first to break the stunned silence that Spike left behind, "Okay, what just happened here?"  
  
Angel didn't answer. He ran to the door, intent on catching Spike before he could get too far, but he was too late. Spike was already gone. He went back into the hotel, "He's gone."  
  
"Where would he go?" Fred asked.  
  
"I don't know," Angel said. If Spike were his normal self then Angel might have some idea of where he had gone but now that Spike supposedly had a soul things were different. He looked at Lorne, "Are you sure about his soul? That he really has one?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Lorne said. "The pain and guilt blocked out everything else in his future. He couldn't have been faking it."  
  
"How could he have gotten his soul back?" Gunn asked. "He go eat the wrong gypsy girl too?"  
  
"I don't know," Angel said. "I'll add that to the list of things I'm going to ask when we find him." He turned and started to walk through the door.  
  
"Where are you going?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"I'm going to find Spike before he hurts himself or someone else." Angel said. He looked down and saw a piece of paper in the doorway. It was rolled up and partly burned. Angel leaned down and picked it up. It looked like a hand-rolled cigarette. It smelled like Spike but Angel sensed something underneath, something familiar but he couldn't quite place it. Angel unrolled the cigarette. There was writing on it but it was blurred by the tobacco and smoke. Angel couldn't even recognize the handwriting.  
  
"What's that?" Cordelia said, looking at Spike's cigarette.  
  
"I think it's what Spike was looking for," Angel said. He handed it to Cordelia. "See if you guys can figure out what it says. I'll be back once I've found Spike." Then he hurried outside. He just stood there for a minute, trying to sense which way Spike could have headed.  
  
"Why do you want to find him?" Connor asked. He had followed Angel out of the hotel. "Who is he to you?"  
  
"Spike and I go back a long way," Angel said. He started walking in the direction the he thought Spike had gone, Connor beside him.  
  
"Did you make him a vampire?" Connor asked.  
  
"No," Angel said, looking back and forth for any signs of Spike. "I sired the vampire that made Spike a vampire. She was insane and could barely take care of herself, let alone Spike. So I taught him how to be a vampire."  
  
Connor nodded, "Looks like you did a good job."  
  
Angel shook his head, "The last time I saw Spike he was the same as he's always been. If Lorne's telling the truth and Spike has a soul it would explain why he's lost his mind. The guilt alone can drive you mad."  
  
Connor looked around, "We'll cover more ground if we split up. I'll look around my place."  
  
Angel nodded, then stopped. Connor was being helpful in wanting to find Spike, too helpful. "Why do you want to find Spike?"  
  
Connor shrugged, "Something to do."  
  
"No," Angel said. "You're after him to kill him." Connor didn't answer. "I'm right, aren't I?"  
  
"He's a vampire," Connor said. "He should die."  
  
"No," Angel said. "Look, Spike and I go back a long way and no one wants him dead more than I do. But that was before, Spike having a soul changes everything."  
  
"It doesn't change what he did," Connor pointed out. "You should know that as well as anyone."  
  
"No," Angel agreed. "But it does change things." He started walking again, "And I want to know how he got his soul. There's only a few people in the world who have the power to do that." Angel looked around. It was a big city but it couldn't be too hard to find an insane vampire. The trouble was finding him before he got himself staked or worse.  
  
Spike ran out of the hotel. He couldn't stay there. The voices just kept getting worse. He couldn't tell which were ones actually talking to him or ones that were in his head. All he knew was that he had to get out of there or the thin shred that was holding his sanity intact would break.  
  
Spike ran through the streets of L.A., looking for a place he could hide but everywhere he went there were people or some kind of demon. Why had he even come here? He should have stayed in his basement. At least there he had some form of peace. If he just stayed there the voices would quiet for a time and he could have a few moments of rest before the voices from his past started haunting him again.  
  
He was running through the streets when suddenly he smashed into someone, "Watch where you're going," He said, not bothering to look at who had bumped into. He started to run but the figure he had bumped into grabbed him from behind.  
  
"I don't think so," He said, holding a stake. "I think that you should be the one who's more careful."  
  
Spike stared at him, quickly reverting back to his William persona, "I'm sorry Headmaster. I didn't mean to lose my pass. Please don't cane me again." He dropped to a crouch and held up his hands like a frightened child.  
  
Wesley stared down at Spike, wondering what kind of game this vampire was playing. Why wasn't he attacking and why was he cowering on the ground? He just looked at the vampire for a moment and then recognition hit. It was William The Bloody or Spike, terror of continents and killer of Slayers. Wesley had studied him during his training as a Watcher and he had heard about him from Angel but nothing he had ever learned about Spike could have prepared him for the sight in front of him.  
  
"Get up," Wesley snapped. "I'm not fooled by this game. Now you're going to die so why don't you die on your feet instead of like a coward." Spike didn't answer so Wesley raised his arm, prepared to stake but a whimper from Spike stopped him.  
  
"All gone," Spike chanted. He'd switched positions so now he was kneeling on the ground, swaying back and forth. "They're all gone. I was bad and they all left. They hate me now." He looked up at Wesley with tears in his eyes, "Where did they go? Why did they send me away?"  
  
Wesley couldn't make sense of Spike was saying. Somehow the vampire had lost his mind but how had that happened. The only vampire he'd known that had truly been insane had been Drusilla. He looked at Spike, maybe there was a connection. Drusilla had been Spike's sire, perhaps some of her insanity had been passed down but that didn't make sense since Drusilla's insanity had been inflicted on her, not in her blood. There had to be some other reason for this.  
  
"Come on," Wesley said, making an instant decision. He still had Justine's cell in his house. He'd keep Spike there until he could figure out what was going on. What was causing this insanity, if it was real at all, and if it was connected to any kind of prophecy? Vampires didn't go insane for no reason.  
  
Wesley grabbed Spike by the arm and half-dragged the vampire towards his house. Lilah had some meeting so she wouldn't be there. Wesley was relieved about that, he didn't want anyone finding out about Spike quite yet, not until he knew what was going on. 


	5. The Turth Isn't What You Want To See

For those of you who were asking, the name of the song Spike sang is called, (and if you've read my other story you'll recognize the title) If I Can't Love Her, reprise. The song is from the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast.  
  
And just in case I'm not able to post another chapter before the 25: Merry Christmas!  
  
Chapter Four: The Truth Isn't What You Want To See  
  
"Any luck?" Cordelia asked as Angel came through the door to the hotel.  
  
"No," Angel said. "No one's seen him but at least no one's bragging about having killed him either."  
  
It had been almost a week since Spike had run out of the hotel and since then Angel had been searching for him with no luck. There hadn't been a single trace of the insane vampire anywhere in L.A. and none of Angel's contacts had seen him either.  
  
"Any luck with that paper Spike had?" Angel asked. Fred and Cordelia had been trying to figure out what the writing on it said.  
  
"No," Fred told him. "I don't think we're going to be able to find out what it said. The writing is too blurred."  
  
"Basically all we got is one insane vampire running lose and no way to find him," Gunn said.  
  
"And no idea how he got that way," Angel said. "How did he get his soul back in the first place?"  
  
"Maybe that witch from Sunnydale cursed him, like she did you," Fred suggested.  
  
"No," Angel said. "I don't even think Spike's been anywhere near Sunnydale. Every time I've talked to Willow or Buffy they haven't said a word about Spike. If he showed up they'd have said something."  
  
"He must some have gotten that soul somewhere," Gunn said. "They don't exactly hand them out like balloons."  
  
"No," Angel said. "But the magic that restored my soul is almost lost, I don't even know if anyone besides Willow knows how to do the spell."  
  
"So how would he get his soul back?" Cordelia asked. "If only one person knows how to do that spell and you don't think she would."  
  
"I don't know," Angel said. "But I'm going to find out."  
  
Angel stood up to leave the hotel. He was going to go back out. He'd see if he could find Spike and check on Connor. He was almost out the door when he bumped into Lorne.  
  
"Whoa," Lorne said, holding up his hand to stop Angel. "Glad I caught you before went out on another insane vampire chase."  
  
"You find out anything?" Angel had asked Lorne to use his contacts and find out anything he could about Spike, where he was now and what he'd been doing since he and Angel had last run into each other.  
  
"No," Lorne said, walking into the hotel. "I found someone who might be able to tell us something."  
  
"Who?" Angel asked, anxious for any news about his wayward grandchilde.  
  
"A demon I met at a bar last night. He heard that I was asking about Spike."  
  
"Where is he?" Angel asked.  
  
Lorne held up a finger, "Wait one minute." He ran outside and quickly returned with a dangling skin demon.  
  
"Hi," He said. "I'm Clement, Clem for short."  
  
"Angel," Angel said. "I hear you know something about Spike."  
  
"Sure," Clem said. "We're old friends."  
  
Angel looked confused, "Spike doesn't have any friends." He looked at Fred, Gunn and Cordelia. "Spike's never played well with others."  
  
"We met playing poker," Clem explained. "And he invited me with him to the Slayer's birthday party."  
  
Angel looked at Clem and then said slowly, "Lorne, can I talk to you a second?" He pulled Lorne off to the side and said, "Where did you find this guy and what has he been drinking?"  
  
"He's telling the truth," Lorne defended. "His aura says that he's not lying."  
  
"Come on," Angel said, still not believing that Clem was telling the truth. "Spike being invited to Buffy's birthday party and bringing a guest? That's crazy. Spike kills Slayers, he doesn't go to their birthday parties."  
  
"He says he knows Spike," Lorne pointed out. "He might be able to tell you something."  
  
"Right," Angel said. He looked back at Clem, "What's Spike's favorite band?"  
  
"Sex Pistols," Clem said promptly.  
  
"Too easy," Angel said, still unconvinced. "Why was Spike called William the Bloody?"  
  
"Because of his poetry," Clem said. He and Spike had gotten drunk one night and Spike had told the story about how he was turned. "It was bloody awful."  
  
"That crazy was a poet?" Gunn said.  
  
"Yes," Angel said, not taking his eyes off Clem. "He was and aside from me, the only one left who knows is Drusilla. Spike had a habit of killing anyone who knew about his past. So if you know and are still alive, then you must be telling the truth. So what else do you know about Spike and about his getting his soul back?"  
  
"He got his soul back?" Clem said.  
  
"Yeah," Angel said. "He showed up a few nights ago, with a soul."  
  
"I thought he wanted the chip out," Clem said, confused.  
  
"Chip?" Angel asked. "What chip?"  
  
"The chip the government put in his head," Clem said. "He can't hurt anything human."  
  
"Spike can't hurt a human?" Angel repeated.  
  
"Well unless he wants a migraine."  
  
"You're sure about this?" Angel asked.  
  
"Yeah," Clem said. "Why else would he start killing vampires and demons?"  
  
"That's why they called him a traitor," Gunn said. "Killing your own kind doesn't usually sit well." Angel glared at him, "What? It's the truth."  
  
"How long has he had this chip?" Angel asked.  
  
"A few years," Clem said.  
  
"And he just decided to get rid of it?" Angel questioned. Patience had never been a virtue of Spike's.  
  
"No," Clem told him. "He's been trying for years but I guess things finally got too much for him."  
  
"What things?" Angel asked.  
  
Clem shook his head, "I don't know. I went to his crypt one night and he was all freaked out. I thought that the Slayer had broken up with him again but he kept babbling about how the chip," Clem thought for a minute, and then said, slowly, "He said that he couldn't be a monster but he couldn't be a man either. Then he asked me to watch his crypt for him and I haven't seen him since."  
  
Angel didn't move, only a few words had actually registered after Clem had said 'The Slayer had broken up with him again.' What was this demon talking about? Fortunately he didn't have to ask.  
  
"What do you mean, broke up with him again?" Fred asked. "If they broke up then they must have been."  
  
"They were always breaking up but that didn't stop them," Clem continued. "Then the last time really sent him over the edge."  
  
"What happened?" Angel asked, his voice sounding strange as he tried to understand what Clem was saying.  
  
Clem shrugged, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since he left and I've been on vacation here."  
  
Angel nodded. There was one last thing he had to know, "What exactly was going on between Buffy and Spike?"  
  
"They were sleeping together," Clem said. "Spike was crazy about her and when she dumped him he lost it."  
  
***  
  
"I hear Angel's looking for someone," Lilah said, pulling on her skirt.  
  
"Really," Wesley said, leaning back against his pillow. "I hadn't heard that."  
  
"Right," Lilah said. "But if you insist on playing the innocent. Angel's looking for a vampire named Spike, also known as William the Bloody. Angel's gone to almost everyone he knows to find out where this Spike is."  
  
"And why is Angel so interested in this vampire?"  
  
"Like you don't already know," Lilah said. "Spike's a member of Angel's bloodline and like most family members, they loathe each other." She finished buttoning her blouse and pulled her jacket on. "So any ideas why Angel's so desperate to find him?"  
  
"None whatseover," Wesley said, honestly.  
  
Lilah shook her head and left without a word. Wesley waited until he was sure that she was gone, then he got up, dressed and went over to the secret door. He opened it and found Spike in his familiar position, sitting on the floor, with his knees pulled up to his chest. The only thing that changed was that sometimes his eyes were open and other times they were closed.  
  
He looked up when Wesley opened the door, "You've become quite a popular vampire," Wesley said. Spike stared at him, blankly, so Wesley explained, "Angel's still looking for you." Wesley unlocked the cage, pulled Spike out and said, "Now why is Angel still looking for you?"  
  
Spike didn't answer. Wesley dragged him into the living room and threw him onto the couch. "You've been here for days," Wesley said. "Now I haven't killed you because I think you know something that I might find usefull. So far all you've done is sit in your cell and drink pig's blood. Now you're going to tell me exactly what I want to know or," Wesley pulled out a stake, "You get this through your chest."  
  
"Go ahead," Spike said. "End it all."  
  
"Not until I find out why Angel's looking for you and why you've lost your mind," Wesley said. "Now since you obviously want to die, that threat isn't going to work but this might, Unless you start talking I start withholding food. You can live without food but eventually you'll become even more insane." Wesley held up a bag of blood, "So talk or no food."  
  
"Why do you want to know?" Spike asked.  
  
"Call me curious," Wesley said.  
  
"Fine, Curious," Spike said, with a flash of his old personality. "Angel knows what I did, ask him."  
  
"What did you do?" Wesley asked. "What happens to send a vampire over the edge?"  
  
"You know, the pressures of unlife, it all adds up," Spike said. His time in the cell had helped him to calm the voices down and his former personality was starting to assert itself.  
  
"I don't think so," Wesley said. He pulled a book from the shelf. "Now you can answer my questions willingly or I use a truth spell on you."  
  
"No," Spike said, jumping to his feet and then falling back down onto the couch. "No one's doin' any more mojo on me."  
  
"Any more?" Wesley commented. "So what kind of magic has been done on you?" He was startled to notice that Spike's eyes clouded up again and his hands flew up to cover his ears.  
  
"Shut up!" Spike screamed. "Stop it!" He looked up at Wesley and Wesley was even more surprised to see that there were tears in Spike's eyes. "I didn't know that this would happen. I just wanted to be what I was. What I was, not what Angel is."  
  
"What Angel is?" Wesley said, slowly.  
  
"I am Angel!" Spike yelled, continuing in his rant. "I was him except for one thing and now I even have that! I'm him except for I have bloody decent hair."  
  
"If you're like Angel then why don't I send you to him," Wesley suggested.  
  
"No!" Spike shouted. "She already did." His expression changed to one of a child who knew he was about to be punished. "And I bet he already knows what I did. I didn't mean to, it just.." He shook his head, trying to get rid of the images in his head.  
  
"Just what did you do?" Wesley asked. This had to be the key to Spike's insanity.  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Spike screamed. "I stopped!" He looked quizically at Wesley, "Why did I stop? I was a bloody demon, hurting the girl shouldn't have mattered to me. And you know what else?"  
  
"No," Wesley said, starting to get an idea of what had happened to turn the vampire insane. "What else?"  
  
"I cared!" Spike shouted. "I cared and I was sorry for what happened!"  
  
"And what happened?"  
  
Spike stared at Wesley and then suddenly Spike started shaking, holding his eyes and squeezing his eyes shut, "No, no, no, no!" Spike chanted. "I didn't mean to! I didn't plan on it!" Spike opened his eyes, "It was her fault, too, that stupid bloody bitch! No," Spike babbled, "I didn't mean that, it wasn't her fault, I was bad, I was bad, I was bad."  
  
Wesley had had enough. He'd gotten what he needed from the vampire so he grabbed Spike, dragged him over to and threw him into his cell. Wesley locked the door, tossed the bag of blood in and said, "That's enough for tonight. I think you can stay there a little longer but don't worry, you'll have your soul for company," Wesley said before he shut the door and left Spike to his insanity. 


	6. There's A Pain Goes On And On

I'm so sorry it took so long for this chapter to get posted. My computer crashed and I had to replace my entire hard drive. My stories were lost so I had to do alot of retyping.  
  
Chapter Five: There's A Pain Goes On and On  
  
"Is he still in there?" Gunn asked, walking into the hotel..  
  
"Yeah," Lorne said. "Haven't heard a sound either."  
  
"I wish we would," Cordelia said. "It's creepy, all this quiet." She looked at the others. "Does he do this often?"  
  
"Yeah," Gunn said. "He might just be brooding like normal or he could go crazy, fire us all and help kill a bunch of lawyers."  
  
Cordelia shook her head, "I can't wait to remember all this," She said, dryly.  
  
Clem sat on a couch in the lobby, feeling awkward. The second he'd dropped the bomb about Buffy and Spike, Angel had strormed into the office, slammed the door and hadn't come out since. Fred and Gunn had had to go out on a call so Cordelia and Lorne had stayed at the hotel. They had asked Clem to stay in case Angel had any more questions. Fred and Gunn had been gone for hours but still Angel had remained in the office.  
  
"Maybe someone should check on him," Cordelia suggested.  
  
"No," Lorne advised. "He'll come out when he's ready."  
  
"I don't know what the big deal is," Cordelia said. "So his ex is sleeping with a crazy vampire, what's wrong with that?"  
  
"Buffy isn't sleeping with Spike," Angel said, startling everyone.  
  
"'Bought time you came out," Lorne said.  
  
Angel ignored him and repeated, "Buffy and Spike aren't sleeping together."  
  
"How do you know?" Fred asked.  
  
"She wouldn't," Angel insisted.  
  
"She did," Clem said.  
  
Angel glared at Clem, "First you come and say that Spike's chipped and can't kill, then you say he's..." Angel couldn't say it. "Both are ridiculous. Why should I believe you?"  
  
Clem shrugged and gestured to the phone, "Call her. The Slayer'll tell you everything."  
  
"Good idea," Gunn said. "Call her and straighten this whole thing out.  
  
"No," Angel said. "I'm not calling Buffy and asking her to justify his lies." He looked at Clem," I don't know what kind of game you two are playing but it ends now." Angel strode to the door.  
  
"Where are you going?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"To find Spike," Angel said.  
  
Angel left the hotel and walked the streets of L.A. He knew that Spike was alive and not on the street. Spike was hiding somewhere and Angel had a feeling he knew where.  
  
Angel arrived at his destination. He knew that if anyone knew where Spike was, he would. Angel pounded on the door and waited for an answer.  
  
Wesley answered the door and Angel stormed past him. Angel stopped, looked around and said, "Where is she?" Wesley didn't answer. "Don't try to deny it. I can smell him all over this house."  
  
"I'm not going to deny that Spike's here," Wesley said. "I found him wandering the streets. I thought he might be useful so I brought him here."  
  
"And where is he now?"  
  
"Why do you want to know?" Wesley asked. "Last I heard you despised Spike."  
  
"I need some answers," Angel said. "And he has them."  
  
"He can't give them to you," Wesley said. "He's almost too far gone." He led Angel to the bedroom and slid back the door to Spike's cell.  
  
Spike was stretched out on the floor, staring and pointing at something only he could see. Wesley unlocked the door and Angel knelt down next to Spike, "Look," Spike whispered. "See the pixies? Dru always talked to them. Now they're talking to me too."  
  
"What are they saying?" Angel asked.  
  
Spike paused, listened to something only he could hear and then to Angel's horror, began to cry, "The pixies say that William's been a bad man and she'll never forgive him."  
  
"Who?" Angel asked. "Who'll never forgive you?"  
  
"Goldilocks," Spike said, tearfully. "My little Goldilocks."  
  
"Who's he talking about?" Wesley asked.  
  
"I don't know," Angel said. "He's only been with Drusilla since he was turned and she's hardly Goldilocks." Angel didn't even consider the other possibilities, the reason that had send him into the night but as hard as he tried he couldn't forget what Clem had said.  
  
"You really have no idea?" Wesley asked, as though he could read Angel's thoughts.  
  
"None," Angel said. He stared at his tortured granchilde. He knew the pain that Spike was in. He lived with the same guilt but there was something different. Spike's pain seemed to be deeper, more centered on one event. Whatever it had been had been enough to send the recently souled vampire over the edge. "I wonder what it was." Angel said out loud.  
  
"What?" Wesley asked.  
  
"What it was that sent him over the edge," Angel explained.  
  
"Or who," Wesley suggested. "He seems to be fixated on his Goldilocks."  
  
Angel shook his head and stood up, "I don't know but I'm going to find out." He looked at Wesley, "Thanks for taking care of him but I'm going to take him back to the hotel. There's more to this than you know. And don't ask, it's not true but I need to find out why Spike would lie about something like this."  
  
Wesley didn't argue. He would find out eventually. He had enough contacts in both the human and the demon world and nothing could be kept a secret forever.  
  
Angel reached down and pulled Spike to his feet. The vampire just stood there, limply. Angel led Spike out of Wesley's house and down the street towards the hotel.  
  
They were just outside the hotel when Angel spotted a familiar figure, lurking.  
  
"Connor," Angel said. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to bring Cordelia home," Connor said. "I didn't want her to walk home alone at night."  
  
Angel nodded. He agreed with Connor. Cordelia still didn't have her memory back and someone might try and attack Cordelia because of her ties with Angel.  
  
"What's he doing here?" Connor asked, gesturing to Spike.  
  
"I brought him back," Angel explained. "Parts of his story don't make sense and I need to know what is going on."  
  
Connor looked at Spike, who was staring at the sky and counting the stars. "I don't think he's going to make much sense. What are you doing?" He asked Spike.  
  
"Counting the stars," Spike said, dreamily. "Dru named them all and now I'm counting them." He looked at Connor, as if seeing him for the first time, "You're not one of us but you're just like them."  
  
Connor stepped back, shaken, "I'm nothing like you or," He looked at Angel, "Or you."  
  
"Connor," Angel said. "That's not what Spike meant."  
  
"Right," Connor said.  
  
"Spike's out of his mind," Angel said. "I think he senses who you are but he doesn't understand."  
  
"That makes two of us," Connor said. Then he turned and stalked away.  
  
Angel started to go after him but stopped. Connor could take care of himself and Spike couldn't. Angel would go after Connor later but right now Angel needed to find out exactly what had happened to Spike and Angel wasn't going to stop until he knew everything. 


	7. And I Heard As I've Never Heard Before

Chapter Six: And I Heard As I've Never Heard Before  
  
"You found him," Cordelia said, as Angel dragged Spike into the hotel. "Where was he?"  
  
"Wesley had him," Angel explained. He lead Spike to the round couch and sat him down. Spike just stared dully ahead. Angel was gratefull for that but he knew it wouldn't be long before Spike started babbling again.  
  
"How did Wesley got ahold of him?" Gunn asked.  
  
"Found him wondering the streets," Angel said, going into the office and coming back out with a set of chains.  
  
"What are those for?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"I'm going to have to chain him up," Angel explained. "He might have a soul but he still could get violent and I don't want to risk anyone getting hurt."  
  
"I thought he was chipped," Lorne said.  
  
Angel shooked his head and fitted the chains on Spike's wrists, "It only works on pure humans, so that means only Fred and Gunn are safe from him."  
  
Cordelia looked at Spike, "Yeah, I can see he's real dangerous." She said sarcastically.  
  
"He is," Angel warned. "He's dangerous and insane."  
  
"He has a soul," Cordelia pointed out. "Won't that keep him from hurting anyone?"  
  
"No," Angel said. "He might still attack someone or he might try to run again." He pulled on the chains, "And he's not going anywhere until I find out exactly what's going on." Angel pulled Spike into the office, made sure he was chained to the wall and slammed the door shut. "Okay Spike," Angel said. "Now you're going to tell me everything. Why are you here? And why would that demon lie about you and Buffy? Spike didn't move. He just stared off into space. Angel shook him, "Answer me."  
  
"What?" Spike asked, seeming to snap out of his daze. "What are you screaming about, Peaches?"  
  
"What's going on?" Angel asked. "Why are you here?"  
  
Spike tried to think, his thoughts were so jumbled together that nothing made sense, "I don't remember," Spike said. "It's all mixed up in my head."  
  
"Fine," Angel said, relieved that at least Spike was speaking in complete sentences again. "See if you can answer this. How did you get your soul back?"  
  
"Saw a man about a girl," Spike said. "Wanted...Wanted...."  
  
"You wanted your soul?" Angel asked, stunned. Spike was the last vampire who would want a soul.  
  
Spike struggled to put the words together, "Wanted...wanted to be what I was, wanted to give her what she deserved."  
  
"Who?" Angel asked. "Who did you want to give what they deserve?"  
  
"The girl," Spike said, starting to slip again. "I hurt the girl, wanted to try and make it better."  
  
"Who?" Angel repeated. "Who did you hurt? What girl?" Angel froze. He didn't believe what Clem hd told him but if there was even a grain of truth in it then... "Spike, what did you do? Did you do anything to Buffy?"  
  
"No!" Spike yelled. "Yes! No! I stopped! I didn't... I stopped."  
  
"Stopped what?" Angel asked. He was getting somewhere. If he could just keep Spike talking maybe things would start making sense. "What did you stop?"  
  
Spike shook his head, "No."  
  
"Spike, I know you've done something so what is it?" Angel yelled.  
  
Spike let out a whimper and curled away from Angel. Angel grabbed Spike and forced Spike to look at him, "What did you do? If you hurt Buffy, I swear I'll make you wish that I'd killed you."  
  
Spike didn't answer. He just curled away from Angel and refused to answer. Angel was about to try again when the door opened.  
  
"Angel," Cordelia said. "Could you come out here please?"  
  
"I'm a little busy right now," Angel said, not letting go of Spike.  
  
"Now," Cordelia said in a tone that meant no arguement.  
  
Angel let go of Spike and followed Cordelia into the lobby, "What?" Angel asked, trying not to be annoyed. "I was starting to make headway with him."  
  
"Right," Cordelia said. "You're really going to make any progress with him by yelling at him and beating him."  
  
"That is the only thing Spike understands is a good beating," Angel said.  
  
"That's a great attitude," Cordelia said. "He doesn't do what you want so you beat the truth out of him. That doesn't sound like the Angel everyone's told me about. The one I've heard about is alot nicer."  
  
"Not when it comes to Spike," Angel said.  
  
"You of all people should understand what he's going through," Cordelia said. "You remember when you got your soul back. He's going through the same thing."  
  
"Why are you defending him?" Angel asked. "You don't remember this but he caused a situation that got you impaled."  
  
"I don't remember that," Cordelia said. "Look, why don't you let me talk to him?"  
  
"No," Angel said.  
  
"He won't hurt me," Cordelia said. "You've got him chained up and he has a soul. I'll be fine. I don't have the same history with Spike as you do. It'll be easier for me to talk to him  
  
Angel made an irritated noise. She was right. She might be able to get something out of Spike in a way that he couldn't. "Fine, but if he does anything to you... he's dust."  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes and she went into the office. Spike was sitting on the floor, listening to something only he could hear.  
  
"Spike?" Cordelia asked, sitting down on a chair across from him.  
  
"Cheerleader?" Spike asked.  
  
"I was a cheerleader?" Cordelia said. That fact didn't surprise her.  
  
"Yeah," Spike said. "Never saw you in action, though."  
  
Cordelia slid off the chair and knelt in front of Spike, "Spike, there's a demon out there who told us some really strange things. Can you tell me if he's telling the truth?" Spike didn't answer so Cordelia continued, "He said that you were involved with Buffy, that the two of you were sleeping together."  
  
"No sleep," Spike said.  
  
"You weren't sleeping with Buffy?" Cordelia said, trying to make sense of what Spike had said.  
  
Spike sighed, "She never stayed long enough for sleep, except for a few times...., she always came but never for sleep." Spike turned in another direction, "Oh you wanted me, don't deny that...."  
  
"Spike?" Cordelia asked, trying to get him to pay attention to her.  
  
Spike listened to whatever was talking, "Right, I was the 'convient' one, that's why you keep coming back and lying to your friends.....Okay, fine, believe whatever you want but that's not going to stop me from telling your mates, it may result in a dusty ending for me but it'll be worth it to see the look on the whelp's face."  
  
Cordelia realized that Spike was talking to someone only he could see. Maybe by just listening to his side of the invisible conversation she might learn more than just by questioning him, so she sat back and listened.  
  
Spike laughed, "It would have been perfect, except I hurt the girl, didn't mean anything, just two lonely people trying to forget," He looked angrily at whoever he was talking to, "Why did you care anyway? You dumped me, remember, trashed me crypt and took off. I can do whatever I want, shag an entire girl's school on your front lawn. I tried to explain, show you that you were the one I wanted but you wouldn't listen and I...had..to..make..you..listen."  
  
Cordelia didn't move. She was getting close, "How did you make her listen?" She asked quietly.  
  
"I.. tried to make her feel it again, feel what she felt..when I was....I tried to...she didn't want to.. so I tried to...."  
  
"Tried to what?"  
  
Spike shook his head and closed his eyes, "No, don't want to think about it."  
  
"Spike," Cordelia said. "We can't help you unless you tell us, so just tell me. You'll feel better if you do."  
  
"I told you," Spike said, angrily. "I..hurt...the...girl."  
  
"What girl?" Cordelia asked. "And how did you hurt her?"  
  
Spike jumped to his feet, startling Cordelia, "What do you want to know the whole story, ever detail, fine! I went to her house, tried to make her remember how she felt everytime we shagged but she didn't want to. I tried to make her but she kept saying no and I kept saying yes. She stopped me before...." Spike falted.  
  
"What happened after that?" Cordelia asked, trying to hide her horror at what Spike was said. She just hoped Angel wasn't listening. If he was Spike wasn't going to leave this room alive.  
  
Spike sank down on the floor and looked up at Cordelia, "What does a man do when he loses everything? Does what he has to do be better," Spike was forcing out the words now, "To be the kind of..man.. that she can.....forgive and even love...." He leaned his head back against the wall and shut his eyes.  
  
Cordelia stood up and went back to the lobby.  
  
"Well?" Gunn asked. "You find anything?"  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia admitted. "Where's Angel?"  
  
"He went upstairs," Fred said.  
  
"So he didn't hear any of what Spike said?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"No," Gunn said.  
  
"Good," Cordelia said.  
  
"What did he say?" Lorne asked.  
  
"Everything Clem said is true," Cordelia said. "He really was sleeping with Buffy. I'm not sure of the details but it sounds like she broke up with him and he tried to get back together with her. Only something went wrong and he tried to...." She didn't finish but everyone figured out what she was trying to say. "That's why he got his soul, so that he could be someone who she could forgive."  
  
"He wants her to forgive him when he tried to rape her?" Gunn asked. "Man that guys's crazier than I thought."  
  
Cordelia started to speak but then she heard a noise. She turned and saw Angel. He had to have heard what she said. His face was in vampire mode. He jumped down the stairs and ran towards the office, intent on revenge. 


End file.
